Descriptions of Ales
Format: Gallery / Ale Name / History / Drinking Process / Taste / Flavour / Ale ‘de-rive’
English Ales
Gallery: Ikon
Ale: Nervous Intern (Although Ikon are mainly known for their other ales: Ikon 1, 2, 3 and Offsite Peculier)
History: Brewed to a very old recipe, nothing remotely contemporary about this one. Some say that tissues left from a dirty protest made by one visiting Canadian artist who wanted a bigger publication found its way in to the brewing vessel and gives the beer a citrusy, clinical lift.
Drinking Process: A parlour game accompanies this drink. Drinkers must be in an awkward social setting (pause, look up) and be engaged in gallery small talk. (You know the type of thing, discussing new shoes, the BO problem of one of the technicians, the reoccurring spelling mistakes in the press release…) Preferably you would be in sight of some tapas (Cheryl to hold up and wave a shop bought chicken wrap) and as you slowly sip the beer, a juicy bit of gossip will be shared around the room. Often this will be the name of the next Ikon exhibited artist to be nominated for Deutche Bank funding. On hearing the name you are to share with another drinker, until the whole room knows. If you are sure you are the last person (and only if you’re sure) you must shout out the name of the artist to the group and either be cheered or booed. It’s basically like Chinese whispers, but with more female interns.
Taste / Flavour: Old, dry, musty opening with a chilled nonplussed finish.
Ale ‘de-rive’: Imagine your mouth is a lift – now imagine Noddy Holder is talking to you.
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Gallery: Eastside Projects
Ale: Event Legacy Lager (A.K.A. ELL on Earth) [NB only to be served in a shot measures]
History: For those of you who don’t know, or have never had the misfortune of tasting Event Legacy Lager, it started life in the nineties as bottles of Kronenberg 1664, secretly bought by ESP interns with stashed project funding. Since then it has been sold continuously for years beyond their sell by date, at openings, talks, screenings and the occasional acupuncture session at the ambitious, yet conceptually flawed Midlands art gallery. Over the years some bottles have steadily matured into a hefty 13% and are responsible for some of the worst hangovers in polite Birmingham artist led society. It seems that the beer affects sycophantic regional curators in particular as they are often made to drink 3 or 4 bottles on their own in the toilets before speaking to anyone from the gallery. On the plus side it is mercifully thought to be responsible for the curtailing of an international exchange programme with Uzbekistan which if they’re honest no one in Birmingham really fancied applying for. BAZ commissioned Artist Newsletter to do an investigation into the effects of Event Legacy Lager on the UK artist-led scene - and they have calculated the number of artist days lost due to the destructive headaches that this beer produces, even if you only sniff the liquid, is £175 a day or £24,000 a year.
Drinking Process: Link arms around shoulders and neck quickly whilst quoting from a made up Dan Graham press release.
Taste: Belgian printers, perfect bound.
Ale ‘de-rive’: Be very careful with this one, sip gently, we’re going to take you on a journey, everyone shut your eyes, you are entering into the world of EP…. It’s similar to walking into Gavin Wade’s head. That’s it. Keep your eyes shut, hold the ale in your mouth. Keep sipping. Matthew Harrison door handle there, long thought missing Susan Collis artwork there. What’s that? Pots of money, young children making aeroplanes with £50 notes? Piles of unread strategic questions books. Keep walking around the gallery until you trip over an Ivan and Heather Morsion ( ie a minute at most).
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Gallery: Grand Union
Ale Name: Wanking Man
History: Named after a moment on a tour of the studios by Cardiff / G39 artists, which was interrupted when tour leader, and GU studio holder Helen Brown stopped to point out the wonderful canal side location. Everyone’s eyes were then met by a man, who was openly wanking on the canal side. It later transpired that GU has been built in full view of one of Birmingham’s prime cottaging hotspots. News of this incident spread and requests to ‘see the view from studio 8’ grew rapidly. To cash in on this new audience there is an ale to commemorate the events. Drink, be merry and keeeeep Wanking.
Drinking Process: As a group huddled together, shouting football style, ‘We can see your, We can see your, We can see your reclaimed wood – We can see your reclaimed wood…’ in between sips.
Taste / Flavour: An over arching hint of ‘canal water’. Wanking Man is made using a very particular hop - smell them carefully - these are some hops that were grown in the industrial wasteland of Digbeth. What can you smell? Orange? No. Biscuit? Cheap processed meat?
Ale ‘de-rive’: Each gulp above symbolizes a visit into each studio within Grand Union. The drink therefore needs to be completed in exactly 8 gulps.
Scottish Ales
Gallery: Fruitmarket
Name: Technicians Vest
History: Developed after three male technicians were mistakenly boxed inside a large mirror coated, glass plinth in a Martin Creed exhibition. It was three weeks before they managed to be released with many people assuming they were part of the show. During this time, the ever resourceful and cost aware technicians had managed to gather and distill the sweat they had produced in to an old Fanta can. After such an intense experience all three technicians died soon after from sheer boredom. Their bodies were cremated and their ashes were scattered outside GOMA, just to piss them off more than anything else.
Drinking Process: measure out 3 fingers of beer then pour one finger back. Drink a sip. Shake head. Pour 2 more fingers of beer in and then wait. Discuss machine tools. Eat a snickers bar. Go for 15 to 30 minute break, come back and knock glass over. Order new beer at great expense.
Taste / Flavour: Fruity, citrusy and sweaty (by a certain coincidence these happen to be the nicknames given to the 3 technicians trapped in the plinth.) The taste of ‘Techie Vestie’ does though change in accordance with the show that’s been on, as with each brew a drop of new (zero hour contracted) technician’s sweat is added to the mix. This means that if its not a particularly demanding install, say an On Kawara retrospective for example, the resulting beer will be light and unpopular. However if the brew has come from a well received group-show the beer can acquire a taste so pungent that many people refuse to finish a bottle.
Ale ‘de-rive’: You’re in a gallery and the work of well-known American artist fills the room. Walk slowly around the space, avoiding all contact with the work. Stop every now and then to run a finger along plinth edges. Tut loudly. Walk up to a painting and lean to the side of it observing the canvas folding technique used. Shake your head noticeably at the incorrect fixing mechanism used. Spin on you heels and walk straight in to the next room. Ignore the gallery staff – they are of no importance to you. In the next room every so often exclaim loudly, to no one in particular, that the wrong paint has been used to conceal the residue of the last show. Stride out and cycle away from the gallery, dropping your phone occasionally whilst swearing at your girlfriend.
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Gallery: Rhubaba
Ale Name: Whose the BABA?
History: A young ale this is all about tomorrow and today, not yesterday daddio.
Drinking Process: Sip carefully from a mug next to a soon to expire gas heater. Be careful as there may be some lumps in this one. Some call them ‘studio holders’ but BAZ would advise refraining from this kind of talk. Turn the radio on and play angry birds on your phone.
Taste / Flavour: A little under funded this one. Actually, hopelessly under funded– just look around you – take in the polytunnel construction, the squalid studios, the director’s toilet.
Ale ‘de-rive’: Imagine the opening scene of Taggart. You enter a dark MOT garage. Fearful for your life you are led down into a secret space in the bottom of the building, the cellar space that only Tom has the key for – he doesn’t let anyone else go down? But you’re here now, looking at him, looking at his old Foundation work? Help. Help. Cue Taggart music.
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Gallery: Transmission
Ale Name: Dougie G IPA (Hitchcock Pale)
History: Brewed to a recipe (1986) when an old Douglas Gordon sock fell into a boiling saucepan of water and started to ferment.
Drinking Process: To be drunk to the chant 'HUO GAGO, HUO GAGO, HUO GAGO! He lives in Berlin, he makes films about Sin. Douglas Gordin , Douglas Gordin...
Taste / Flavour: Salty, hint of Technician's Vest.
Ale ‘de-rive’: Imagine your mouth is a launderette with several fully functioning washing machines and tumbles dryers. Swill the ale 20 - 25 times around one's mouth, swallow half, spit the remainder towards your neighbour (left hand side, never the right).
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Gallery: Modern Institute
Ale Name: Frivolous Install
History: Very expensive ale this one, it’s history a little mysterious.
Drinking Process: hold you nose and imagine you’re in Venice, Basle or Miami.
Taste / Flavour: distinct whiff of Deustche Bank.
Ale Derive: with this ale, there’s one place you’re heading: the toilet. What a bog. As you swallow, imagine the toilet flushing in the Modern Institute – a gentle slithering down the throat there.