Paternity Leave Cover

9 months – 2 years (depending on C Poolman’s other collaborations and the price of baby milk)


Respond to: BAZ, Grand Union Studios, 15 Minerva works, Berliningham, Digside, B5 5RS


Post title: Co Director of BAZ / Matt Westbrook’s emotional support worker

Grade: Columbian rich blend (am) Chamomile tea (pm)

Salary Range: 60/40 (i.e. 40% of all takings)

Mode: Full time and evenings, mainly evenings. 

Ref Number: IPSIKON-BMAG1 


A. Purpose 

- To contribute to the sustained appearance of BAZ being an ongoing artistic concern, despite not really ever doing or making anything artistically substantial.

- To actively maintain BAZ’s presence within a regional art scene, ignoring imaginary local resistance and the presumed disdain of art world insiders. 

B. Main duties and Responsibilities

- Primary responsibility: To ensure that Matt is fed and watered throughout the day, especially in the lead up to a private view or any other opportunity that involves publicly engaging in conversation with Wendy Law.

- To feign interest in the numerous references Matt will make to League 2 Football results, especially between the hours of 3pm and 5pm on Saturday.

- To conduct with Matt extensive and over running tours of Grand Union studios and gallery to visiting nomadic artist associate schemes.  

- To assist Matt in inserting at least one myth based extension to the ‘BAZ Narrative’ every time such a tour is given.

- To clean the toilets, empty the bin and buy the loo roll whilst apologising to other studio holders for Matt’s irregular toilet habits.

- To document, record and produce the large percentage all of Matt’s BAZ ideas – often surreptitiously via an online account with vista print. 

- To regularly use a percentage of these ideas with other collaborators without informing, or crediting Matt.

- To continually misuse the words ‘been’ and ‘being’ purely as a means of checking that Matt has actually read through the lengthy documents that you have sent him. 

- To become obsessed with the building and construction of multiple (and identical) new websites, even if a viable art project or funding opportunity is evidently not going to be forthcoming.

- To limit actual meetings with yourself and Matt to a level that placates, but ultimately exacerbates, Matt’s constant need to ‘bounce ideas’ off you. 

- To perpetually feign opening a bank account with Matt, even going to the bank with him to sign forms, show two forms of ID and speak to the branch manager, but later on phoning anonymously and ordering them to destroy all evidence of the event.  

- To pursue Matt for the £200 he received for what was largely a Chris Poolman written text as part of a show at the New Art Gallery Walsall. Remain skeptical of any costs that Matt says he has incurred in order to account for this money and continue to email him regarding a repayment plan.  

- To gradually, and by stealth, fill the BAZ bar with the contents of at least 3 of the rooms from the spacious child and escaped cat sanctuary that is 58 Eastwood Rd.

- To maintain a casual indifference to learning anything about Art history or contemporary art practice, feigning surprise when Matt confronts you suspiciously about not knowing of the work of Benedict Drew, or Matthew Tickle, or Rachel Whiteread, (even though you secretly do know a lot about these artists).

- To drop in the names of fictional or obscure Austrian performance artists in to texts and minor conversations with Matt in a passive aggressive attempt to undermine his perceived intellectual authority over you, Art history speaking. 

- To reflect critically on the programme and staff of the Ikon gallery, undertaking digital surveillance techniques to ascertain who is regularly accessing the BAZ website between the hours of 2.00 - 4.00am from the gift shop.

- To attend numerous professional development courses or private views in other cities with your life partner and/or current other collaborator(s), with the view of withholding any new funding information that may improve Matt’s or BAZ’s career aspirations. 

- To entertain and encourage Matt’s obsession with redesigning the BAZ Bar / Studio by referring to him as ‘The Birmingham Schwitters’ in front of prominent members of the Birmingham Art world. (Also refer to 2.13 as a means of extending this rather pointless character trait so that it becomes an unbearable daily dilemma for Matt, preventing him from doing his own ‘proper’ work) 

- Reviewing and implementing the BAZ health and safety policy. (i.e. holding the ladder whilst Matt sticks or staples things to the ceiling) 

- To do all the website stuff.

- And all the print / ordering stuff.

3. Supervision received: 

- Cheryl, mainly, but occasional emails from Dudley College senior management may need to be attended to.  

4. Supervision given:

- BAZ interns x 2 

- ESP waifs and strays and other visiting associate scheme members who went to the loo and got separated from the group during a GU studio tour.

- Balsall Heath Forum members (Tuesdays only). 

- Ladywood UKIP focus group (Wednesdays and Saturdays). 

5. Education / qualifications: 

- BA and MA in Fine Art ideally accredited by numerous universities. 

- Additional completion of any Queer Studies Modules is desirable. 

- A persistently unfinished PHD in TV Comedy studies (essential)

- No actual normal, paid teaching (i.e. a regular job) experience is required to fulfill the role, but the ability to hold trainer building workshops and colouring in competitions is desirable to provide continuity.  

- Cat psychoanalysis skills (training provided) 

6. Job related skills and capabilities: 

Interpersonal skills 

- Patience 

- A cool head

- A pedantic insistence on the correct usage of footnotes.

- The ability to source food quickly and expediently, often from within industrial premises (ideally hot).

- The presence of mind to regularly calmly explain why repeatedly tweeting Stephen Snoddy’s home address is not necessarily a good career move for BAZ. 

- Likewise with photo-shopped images of Jonathan Watkins dressed as Turkish belly dancer.

- A background (or the ability to consistently feign) interest in the history of Portsmouth Football Club and the city as a whole (a test will be done during the interview to fully assess this) 

- The ability to avoid reading any text messages or answering the phone from Matt until the moment he turns up on your doorstep demanding a conversation (and dinner)

- A taste for real ale. 

Other requirements 

- Own laptop

- An active wordpress, drop box and vistaprint account.

- An insistence on buying things from International Stock and storing them in the fire passage behind the studio.

- A desire to continually encourage Matt to dress up in a variety of costumes related to Art world figures. 

- An out of contract, or pay as you go, utterly unreliable camera phone that will refuse to send or receive pictures and emails from Matt, but does seem to function normally for all your other collaborators. 

- A recorded history of Fiat Seicento Ownership. (Evidence of extraneous wiper blade expenditure will need to be supplied) 

7. Applied research: 

- If you know what this bit is please get in touch.

8. Person specification 

- Tall 

- Maybe perhaps have recently become slightly overweight.

- Of unspecified southern European extraction. 

- Routinely unshaven. 

- Large ‘Jowly’ bits near base of chin. 

- The general appearance and demeanor of a regional Café Rouge manager.

Using Format