You and Your Work
BAZ are an art-world think-tank based between the cavity OSB walls [1] of studios one and two at Grand Union, Birmingham [2]. They are currently composed of two members - shamed Mediterranean waiter Christolopolous F Polman and former youth rugby worker Mark Westerbrooker. Currently BAZ employ two interns [3], enjoy a local fanbase of 27 [4] and utilise a large network of undercover spies [5]. BAZ work in Birmingham - and beyond [6].
BAZ, like Sting, believe everything Birmingham does is Magic and want the world to know about it, especially people in Coventry [7].
Inspired by a sign that originally welcomed visitors to Birmingham, Alabama [8] [9] BAZ want to build their own version, next to the planned route in to the proposed new Hi Speed rail station. Scaled up using rudimentary life drawing techniques, BAZ’s planned design is currently three centimetre’s larger than The Shard [10] and will be visible from Norwich [11].
BAZ propose to build the 23 million pound structure [12] within the £10 000 Arts Council Grants for The Arts limit by linking strategic corporate partners [13], having a studio clear-out, calling in a few favours and undertaking short term residencies on church roofs.
BAZ hope that by building the new sign they will inspire the other 29 ‘Birmingham's’ worldwide, including the one on the moon [14], to access their own Arts Council funding and build a network of largely unusable metal structures in the hope of putting together a joint Olympics bid.
[1] How many artists’ bones rest in there?
[2] English City.
[3] Sue and Steve, BAZ Interns 2012, Collaborators and 3rd year BA Fine Art Students, Dissertation title: How Tracey Emin Shaped New Labour.
[4] In 2009 BAZ conducted an extensive private view survey and worked out that the entire Birmingham Art World would fit on a single double-decker bus.
[5] Paid in free tickets to Ikon private views - for life.
[6] Worcester for example.
[7] And Nuneaton.
[8] Constructed in 1926, the sign became a landmark of the deep-south state, giving it a moniker still used by many organisations based there today. Sited at the railway station entrance it commemorated the swift rise of the steel industry in the area, the state being one of the few places at that time where the three raw materials needed to make steel: iron, coal and limestone could be found in close proximity. In 1952 the sign had fallen in to disrepair, and was eventually dismantled, believed to be sold for scrap. Recent calls for the sign to be rebuilt received mixed receptions, with the recognition that the rapid rise of the steel industry was also largely reliant on an un-unionised, mainly African American workforce. The city however played a prominent part in the rise of the civil rights movement, notably with Martin Luther King writing his treatise ‘Letter from Birmingham Jail’ whilst imprisoned there.
[9] In 2008 720,000 pamphlets were distributed by Birmingham City Council praising residents for their recycling. But instead of showing landmarks such as the Rotunda and Selfridges, it showed downtown Birmingham, Alabama, USA.
[10] Or The Gherkin if you look at our flyers.
[11] If you’re standing on Lynda Morris’s shoulders.
[2] English City.
[3] Sue and Steve, BAZ Interns 2012, Collaborators and 3rd year BA Fine Art Students, Dissertation title: How Tracey Emin Shaped New Labour.
[4] In 2009 BAZ conducted an extensive private view survey and worked out that the entire Birmingham Art World would fit on a single double-decker bus.
[5] Paid in free tickets to Ikon private views - for life.
[6] Worcester for example.
[7] And Nuneaton.
[8] Constructed in 1926, the sign became a landmark of the deep-south state, giving it a moniker still used by many organisations based there today. Sited at the railway station entrance it commemorated the swift rise of the steel industry in the area, the state being one of the few places at that time where the three raw materials needed to make steel: iron, coal and limestone could be found in close proximity. In 1952 the sign had fallen in to disrepair, and was eventually dismantled, believed to be sold for scrap. Recent calls for the sign to be rebuilt received mixed receptions, with the recognition that the rapid rise of the steel industry was also largely reliant on an un-unionised, mainly African American workforce. The city however played a prominent part in the rise of the civil rights movement, notably with Martin Luther King writing his treatise ‘Letter from Birmingham Jail’ whilst imprisoned there.
[9] In 2008 720,000 pamphlets were distributed by Birmingham City Council praising residents for their recycling. But instead of showing landmarks such as the Rotunda and Selfridges, it showed downtown Birmingham, Alabama, USA.
[10] Or The Gherkin if you look at our flyers.
[11] If you’re standing on Lynda Morris’s shoulders.
[12] Estimated materials cost alone.
[13] Gypsies, Arts Students, Magicians and BT.
[14] Apparently located in a crater called ‘Hell’.
[15] Woodturning, Pinhole cameras and mono-printing for example.
[16] When the apocalypse comes, why wouldn’t you decoupage?
[13] Gypsies, Arts Students, Magicians and BT.
[14] Apparently located in a crater called ‘Hell’.
[15] Woodturning, Pinhole cameras and mono-printing for example.
[16] When the apocalypse comes, why wouldn’t you decoupage?
[17] The late night glow will be used by artist-led galleries to grow tomatoes in Leicester, for example.
[18] BAZ wrote this term down at an Arts Council application surgery event, it is a thing right?
[19] Since 2007 BAZ have been examining toilet waste disposal in artist-led spaces. Research is ongoing, although we have a lot of monkey nut shells.
[20] Currently an unbearable one hour and 24 minutes.
[21] Snap.
[22] We’ll keep our clothes on.
[23] Liverpool for example.
[24] Inextricably linked. Think about it.
[25] Big isn’t it?
[26] Norks.
[27] Conveniently this fits in with the acceptable time out of a fridge a yoghurt can remain edible.
[28] A dangerous manoeuvre not seen since Manifesta 2008.
[29] Visible from Geneva.
[30] After several commuters had heart attacks in the new New Street Station on account that it now featured natural light, council chiefs had a giant blanket placed over the station. Light and Birmingham do not mix.
[31] After they encountered problems with their Cooking with Deadly Nightshade course, Edible Eastside spotted a gap in the market and went into bat breeding.
[32] Why haven’t there been any exhibitions in Birmingham about heavy metal? Missed opportunity. It’s on our list anyway.
[33] In case blind people aren’t aware of it, and are liable to walk into it, we have allocated £150 for braille inscribed models of the sign to be distributed with all new guides dogs at the Leamington Spa branch.
[34] Apart from a few deaths.
[35] We have negotiated a deal with 12 scrap metal companies based in the Black Country who will melt the metal for us – no questions asked - in exchange for portraits. Not only does this engage yet another minority grouping under represented in the arts – scrap metal dealers – it also counts as support in kind to the value of £60 000.
[36] (pg.118) Culture and Administration, The Culture Industry: Selected Essays on Mass Culture (2001) Theodor W Adorno and J.M. Bernstein Routledge UK.
[37] It is a little known fact but most gypsies love nothing more than spending their Friday evenings watching The Culture Show on a stolen Cineworld cinema screen.
[38] Excludes stamp collecting.
[39] TV programmes need making.
[40] We believe this student led, large-scale participative first year degree project will be looked back on as a pivotal moment in the history of British art education.
[41] Neither of these were in the Folk Archive.
[42] Pull. Rip. Grab. Run.
[43] Excludes Vis Comers.
[44] Martin Kippenberger’s lost subway – direct link to New York if you say the magic word ‘Cradley Burger’.
[45] The bulk of it been made up from a twice weekly lorry load of Elizabeth Duke Jewellrey.
[46] Approximately.
[47] We asked Christian Jankowski to be involved in this stage of the project but he declined on account of a bad Stourbridge B&B experience (skid marks on the pillows).
[48] Magic water apparently.
[49] Hi I’m Jasper Carrot and I think Birmingham needs a big sign saying its magic on it. I can do my rock with laughter gigs from it every year and retell that joke about talking to the guy next to me at a blues match where I shout to him ‘what’s the score?” (he’s standing on the other side of the terrace you see, and there’s no one else in the ground).
[50] To the watching world though, this task will represent a magic trick of unprecedented and historic magnitude. Birmingham really will be a magic city.
[51] Nick Owen will announce it on Midlands Today whilst wearing a black balaclava.
[52] We expect to have lost a few students to lead poisoning by this stage. Not because they spent too much time handling it, but because word went around – perhaps spread by a gypsy – that a good time could be had if you rolled lead in a rizla and smoked a big one.
[53] Outside the overflow gift shop.
[54] Look at the billboard image. It works; we’ve done our sums.
[55] Although the student workforce will be split into groups of 20. Each group will be given a copy of Cabinet magazine. They can either read this, or if they get hungry, eat it and regurgitate it for the next student to do the same too. This may seem a cruel and unnecessary procedure, but who said the Art World would be easy.
[56] Bit like a Stefan Rofoton installation.
[57] Does anyone else always take the canapé furthest away from them? The glass of red wine second to left but one? Wear two pairs of pink pants to Private Views?
[58] Most casualties will be incurred through students smoking lead, the scaffold snapping and deaths incurred after gypsies introduce the game of ‘student baiting’. Because of this we will introduce a number of precautions to try and limit the deaths: no rizla’s on the building site, bamboo canes will be taped together with top of the range extra strength sellotape and student baiting will only be allowed on Sunday’s.
[59] We have identified one other minor risk: the structure falling down. We both have artist newsletter insurance, and although we haven’t checked the small print, believe that the policy will cover us in the event of the structure falling down and demolishing the Bullring and Rotunda.
[60] Lead can be notoriously difficult to remove, especially when held down by a combination of mastic, copper tacks and chewing gum.
[61] For breaking into schools and prisons.
[62] We’ve done our research into this and managed to find a factory in China already
producing these.
[19] Since 2007 BAZ have been examining toilet waste disposal in artist-led spaces. Research is ongoing, although we have a lot of monkey nut shells.
[20] Currently an unbearable one hour and 24 minutes.
[21] Snap.
[22] We’ll keep our clothes on.
[23] Liverpool for example.
[24] Inextricably linked. Think about it.
[25] Big isn’t it?
[26] Norks.
[27] Conveniently this fits in with the acceptable time out of a fridge a yoghurt can remain edible.
[28] A dangerous manoeuvre not seen since Manifesta 2008.
[29] Visible from Geneva.
[30] After several commuters had heart attacks in the new New Street Station on account that it now featured natural light, council chiefs had a giant blanket placed over the station. Light and Birmingham do not mix.
[31] After they encountered problems with their Cooking with Deadly Nightshade course, Edible Eastside spotted a gap in the market and went into bat breeding.
[32] Why haven’t there been any exhibitions in Birmingham about heavy metal? Missed opportunity. It’s on our list anyway.
[33] In case blind people aren’t aware of it, and are liable to walk into it, we have allocated £150 for braille inscribed models of the sign to be distributed with all new guides dogs at the Leamington Spa branch.
[34] Apart from a few deaths.
[35] We have negotiated a deal with 12 scrap metal companies based in the Black Country who will melt the metal for us – no questions asked - in exchange for portraits. Not only does this engage yet another minority grouping under represented in the arts – scrap metal dealers – it also counts as support in kind to the value of £60 000.
[36] (pg.118) Culture and Administration, The Culture Industry: Selected Essays on Mass Culture (2001) Theodor W Adorno and J.M. Bernstein Routledge UK.
[37] It is a little known fact but most gypsies love nothing more than spending their Friday evenings watching The Culture Show on a stolen Cineworld cinema screen.
[38] Excludes stamp collecting.
[39] TV programmes need making.
[40] We believe this student led, large-scale participative first year degree project will be looked back on as a pivotal moment in the history of British art education.
[41] Neither of these were in the Folk Archive.
[42] Pull. Rip. Grab. Run.
[43] Excludes Vis Comers.
[44] Martin Kippenberger’s lost subway – direct link to New York if you say the magic word ‘Cradley Burger’.
[45] The bulk of it been made up from a twice weekly lorry load of Elizabeth Duke Jewellrey.
[46] Approximately.
[47] We asked Christian Jankowski to be involved in this stage of the project but he declined on account of a bad Stourbridge B&B experience (skid marks on the pillows).
[48] Magic water apparently.
[49] Hi I’m Jasper Carrot and I think Birmingham needs a big sign saying its magic on it. I can do my rock with laughter gigs from it every year and retell that joke about talking to the guy next to me at a blues match where I shout to him ‘what’s the score?” (he’s standing on the other side of the terrace you see, and there’s no one else in the ground).
[50] To the watching world though, this task will represent a magic trick of unprecedented and historic magnitude. Birmingham really will be a magic city.
[51] Nick Owen will announce it on Midlands Today whilst wearing a black balaclava.
[52] We expect to have lost a few students to lead poisoning by this stage. Not because they spent too much time handling it, but because word went around – perhaps spread by a gypsy – that a good time could be had if you rolled lead in a rizla and smoked a big one.
[53] Outside the overflow gift shop.
[54] Look at the billboard image. It works; we’ve done our sums.
[55] Although the student workforce will be split into groups of 20. Each group will be given a copy of Cabinet magazine. They can either read this, or if they get hungry, eat it and regurgitate it for the next student to do the same too. This may seem a cruel and unnecessary procedure, but who said the Art World would be easy.
[56] Bit like a Stefan Rofoton installation.
[57] Does anyone else always take the canapé furthest away from them? The glass of red wine second to left but one? Wear two pairs of pink pants to Private Views?
[58] Most casualties will be incurred through students smoking lead, the scaffold snapping and deaths incurred after gypsies introduce the game of ‘student baiting’. Because of this we will introduce a number of precautions to try and limit the deaths: no rizla’s on the building site, bamboo canes will be taped together with top of the range extra strength sellotape and student baiting will only be allowed on Sunday’s.
[59] We have identified one other minor risk: the structure falling down. We both have artist newsletter insurance, and although we haven’t checked the small print, believe that the policy will cover us in the event of the structure falling down and demolishing the Bullring and Rotunda.
[60] Lead can be notoriously difficult to remove, especially when held down by a combination of mastic, copper tacks and chewing gum.
[61] For breaking into schools and prisons.
[62] We’ve done our research into this and managed to find a factory in China already
producing these.
[63] We will probably half-heartedly distribute several hundred of these before leaving them under the stairs, eventually to be put out for the recycling in 2015.
[64] Just to give the student workforce a little extra lift when needed – they will be expected to work 16-hour days.
[65] To help the students get over the depression brought on by the amphetamines.
[64] Just to give the student workforce a little extra lift when needed – they will be expected to work 16-hour days.
[65] To help the students get over the depression brought on by the amphetamines.
[66] Motivational tools.
[67] Millets garden centre have a deal on at the moment on 6ft garden canes.
[68] The magicians didn’t request these, but we know that all Magicians require them.
[69] Requested by one Magician as a necessity for his role in the magic spell (available from
sexymagic.com).
[67] Millets garden centre have a deal on at the moment on 6ft garden canes.
[68] The magicians didn’t request these, but we know that all Magicians require them.
[69] Requested by one Magician as a necessity for his role in the magic spell (available from
sexymagic.com).
[70] Nationally recognised hourly rate for gypsies.
[71] The gypsies have agreed to offer their time for free, on the condition that they will own half
of the structure and they can move into it as a permanent site for dwelling.
of the structure and they can move into it as a permanent site for dwelling.
[72] 700 students x 365 days x 16 hours a day.
[73] One-year working on the project forms a large part of the students first year art project (unfortunately it won’t count towards their final degree mark).
[74] Most of these hours will be spent rehearsing the trick, which is ultimately doomed to failure, as West Midlands based magicians are notoriously poor.[75] Tight bastards.
How the public engage with your work?
As the sign will be visible from St Pancras the majority of the British public will have no choice but to engage with the work. During daylight hours a rotating 30 mile shadow / ‘inclusion zone’ will be drift across the city.
Living within this zone will entitle you to a range of compulsory free art workshops. Although largely reliant on activities that are possible to be done in dim lighting [15] these workshops will create a legacy for the project and unwittingly re skill entire areas of inner city Birmingham with basic night-time decoupage skills [16].
Night-time audiences for the sign are also expected to rise due to the blinding pink / amber glow that will emit from the sign after dusk. Shining across most of Eastern England this will be an act of altruistic cultural partnershipping on an unprecedented scale [17] [18].
If You Build It, HS2 will come’
BAZ’s real hope though is that the gigantic metal structure will encourage the building of a new High Speed rail station in Birmingham. Although keen environmentalists [19], BAZ believe the desecration of the English countryside is worth it if it reduces the journey time from London to Birmingham to 49 minutes [20].
By the launch of HS2 in 202121, BAZ hope to ‘perform’ [22] a daring coup of the London art world by linking impoverished and keenly amateur local art scenes [23] with Dairy-Farmer action groups (DAG). Together these two under nourished groups [24] will march on London [25] in protest at perceived metropolitan [26] art eccentricity and high milk prices.
Swiftness will be all-important to this operation, with the train time reduction vital to BAZ’s meticulously formulated [27] plans. Arriving into Euston 35 minutes late, dishevelled artists and farmers will disembark and form a mass ‘Zulu Warrior’ formation, somewhere near Neasden. Marshalled by a team of sheep dogs they will replicate the 'impondo zekomo' (beast's horns) tactic, but in a nod to early British Airways adverts and current curating trends, BAZ will instigate the ‘Obrist ikhanda’ formation [28], surrounding the London art world in the shape of Hans Ulrich Obrist’s forehead [29].
‘If You Build it, They Might Not Notice’
BAZ have spent many tortuous late nights gauging audience figure projections, planning local community involvement and addressing local resident concerns that the large metal structure will, at certain times of the day, leave two thirds of the city in constant shadow.
Unfortunately, with the building of the sign the new HS2 train station and proposed IKON museum quarter will be in constant darkness 24 hours a day [30].
BAZ believe that this minor aberration can be turned into something vaguely positive. Visitors arriving at the dark train station will be greeted by hundreds of bat chewing [31] Ozzy Osbourne impersonators informing them that they are in a Black Sabbath installation [32].
Publicity
We will require minimal publicity resources in terms of flyers and posters because it’s fucking enormous and you would have to be as blind as a bat to miss it [33].
Making it Happen
The project will use the skills, knowledge and knowhow of three minority groups who are either under represented or have little contact with the arts:
1. Gypsies
2. Magicians
3. First year art students
We are confident that with the support and expertise of our three key minority groups we can build and erect the unusable metal structure without any problems [34].
The project can be mapped out into five, clearly demarcated stages:
1. Month 1: The Gypsy Mentoring Scheme
2. Months 2 – 4: Metal Collecting
3. Month 5: Metal Melting [35]
4. Months 6 – 8: Fabrication of Structure
5. Months 9 – 12: Structure Erection
Stage 1 (month 1): The Gypsy Mentoring Scheme
In a book, Adorno described the Avant Garde as:
‘Driv[ing] about in a type of gypsy wagon; the gypsy wagons, however, roll about secretly in a monstrous hall, a fact which they do not themselves notice’ [36]
BAZ believe this is a little harsh on gypsies; they never asked for their vehicles and homes to me made into an analogy for the insular defunctness of culture [37] [38].
Gypsies are an important group within society [39]. We can all learn from them. In light of this, BAZ propose to introduce The Gypsy-Mentoring Scheme. The Gypsy- Mentoring scheme will see all first year art students within the West Midlands region linking up with groups of local gypsies [40].
This unlikely alliance of brains and brawn will see traditional skills such as ‘Metal Collecting’ and ‘Lead Theft’ been passed onto a new generation and class grouping [41].
Stage 1 will involve an intensive one-month course in the ancient art of metal theft [42].
Stage 2 (months 2 – 4): Metal Collecting
After Stage One is complete, the students will then spend three months collecting metal from any source possible.
Approximately 700 students [43] from across the West Midlands will be involved in this process. BAZ adamantly believe that this will represent better value for the £8000 a year tuition fees than is currently experienced.
Stage 3 (month 5): Metal Melted Down
All of the metal collected by the art students will be gathered at a secret location in the Black Country next to Cradley Heath tube station [44].
We estimate that if the students have been working hard enough we should have approximately 1000 tonnes of many different types of metal: steal, lead, tin, iron, possibly even gold [45]. In one way or another, this hotchpotch of different types of metal will hopefully capture the multi-cultural make-up of Birmingham.
The metal will be melted down in a large pot by a man called Steve.
Stage 4 (Months 6 – 8): Fabrication of structure
Once the metal has been melted down it will be kept bubbling in a large cauldron. From here it be transported to Rowley Regis by a series of copper pipes to Absolutely Fabricous, a new Artists Fabrication unit recently set up in Rowley Regis. Absolutely Fabricous is the latest in a line of trendy fabrication units popping up in the Black Country to cater for the upsurge in big sculpture building that is sweeping through the Birmingham Art World in 2012.
Stage 5 (months 9 - 12): Erection and Magicians
The erection of the Magic City sign will ostensibly be via a mass magic spell cast by 500 local magicians [46] [47]. We have conduced comprehensive research into the yellow pages and found there to be 14,340 Magicians in the Birmingham area, most of them based around Stourbridge [48].
Regrettably West Midlands based magicians aren’t of the highest quality, and making 15,000 tonnes of metal magically rise up could prove difficult and somewhat of an embarrassment to the magic fraternity [49]. Because of this, the magic trick will have to be faked [50].
Birmingham will be cast into total darkness for a period of 24 hours [51], whilst the 678 art students [52] will quietly hoist up the structure using primitive techniques based on ancient drawings discovered on a leaflet at Stonehenge last year [53].
Large pieces of rope, acting as levers [54], will be stretched across the top of the Rotunda and BT tower The students will be starved [55] for four days prior to the ‘big lift’ and will be tempted into pulling up the Magic City sign by attaching thousands of mobile phone apps to the ends of sticks on bits of string [56]. We will use 1000 local volunteers to motivate the students by waving these sticks (and app’s) in front of them.
1. Gypsies
2. Magicians
3. First year art students
We are confident that with the support and expertise of our three key minority groups we can build and erect the unusable metal structure without any problems [34].
The project can be mapped out into five, clearly demarcated stages:
1. Month 1: The Gypsy Mentoring Scheme
2. Months 2 – 4: Metal Collecting
3. Month 5: Metal Melting [35]
4. Months 6 – 8: Fabrication of Structure
5. Months 9 – 12: Structure Erection
Stage 1 (month 1): The Gypsy Mentoring Scheme
In a book, Adorno described the Avant Garde as:
‘Driv[ing] about in a type of gypsy wagon; the gypsy wagons, however, roll about secretly in a monstrous hall, a fact which they do not themselves notice’ [36]
BAZ believe this is a little harsh on gypsies; they never asked for their vehicles and homes to me made into an analogy for the insular defunctness of culture [37] [38].
Gypsies are an important group within society [39]. We can all learn from them. In light of this, BAZ propose to introduce The Gypsy-Mentoring Scheme. The Gypsy- Mentoring scheme will see all first year art students within the West Midlands region linking up with groups of local gypsies [40].
This unlikely alliance of brains and brawn will see traditional skills such as ‘Metal Collecting’ and ‘Lead Theft’ been passed onto a new generation and class grouping [41].
Stage 1 will involve an intensive one-month course in the ancient art of metal theft [42].
Stage 2 (months 2 – 4): Metal Collecting
After Stage One is complete, the students will then spend three months collecting metal from any source possible.
Approximately 700 students [43] from across the West Midlands will be involved in this process. BAZ adamantly believe that this will represent better value for the £8000 a year tuition fees than is currently experienced.
Stage 3 (month 5): Metal Melted Down
All of the metal collected by the art students will be gathered at a secret location in the Black Country next to Cradley Heath tube station [44].
We estimate that if the students have been working hard enough we should have approximately 1000 tonnes of many different types of metal: steal, lead, tin, iron, possibly even gold [45]. In one way or another, this hotchpotch of different types of metal will hopefully capture the multi-cultural make-up of Birmingham.
The metal will be melted down in a large pot by a man called Steve.
Stage 4 (Months 6 – 8): Fabrication of structure
Once the metal has been melted down it will be kept bubbling in a large cauldron. From here it be transported to Rowley Regis by a series of copper pipes to Absolutely Fabricous, a new Artists Fabrication unit recently set up in Rowley Regis. Absolutely Fabricous is the latest in a line of trendy fabrication units popping up in the Black Country to cater for the upsurge in big sculpture building that is sweeping through the Birmingham Art World in 2012.
Stage 5 (months 9 - 12): Erection and Magicians
The erection of the Magic City sign will ostensibly be via a mass magic spell cast by 500 local magicians [46] [47]. We have conduced comprehensive research into the yellow pages and found there to be 14,340 Magicians in the Birmingham area, most of them based around Stourbridge [48].
Regrettably West Midlands based magicians aren’t of the highest quality, and making 15,000 tonnes of metal magically rise up could prove difficult and somewhat of an embarrassment to the magic fraternity [49]. Because of this, the magic trick will have to be faked [50].
Birmingham will be cast into total darkness for a period of 24 hours [51], whilst the 678 art students [52] will quietly hoist up the structure using primitive techniques based on ancient drawings discovered on a leaflet at Stonehenge last year [53].
Large pieces of rope, acting as levers [54], will be stretched across the top of the Rotunda and BT tower The students will be starved [55] for four days prior to the ‘big lift’ and will be tempted into pulling up the Magic City sign by attaching thousands of mobile phone apps to the ends of sticks on bits of string [56]. We will use 1000 local volunteers to motivate the students by waving these sticks (and app’s) in front of them.
Evaluation
The evaluation will occur in month 13 of the project. This may be unlucky for some, but BAZ aren’t superstitious types [57]. BAZ propose to evaluate the project according to the number of deaths incurred over the previous year in the building of the structure. Given the ambitious nature of the project, we expect to lose approximately 10 – 15% of the student workforce [58]. If we can keep below losing 15% of the student workforce then the project will be evaluated as a success (keeping below 111 deaths).
We will monitor the number of deaths by using the PDF Arts Council body bags downloadable from the Arts Council website. The body-bagged bodies will be stored in a large industrial warehouse in Digbeth (with good ventilation) until the evaluation is signed off. The bodies will then be disposed of in an ethically and environmentally sound manner in a canal near North Smethwick Junction.
Given the ambitious nature of the project, and our commitment to providing value for money to the Arts Council, we believe that if we can keep below 111 deaths then project will be a success [59].
Finance
Crow Bars (Wickes) x 30 @£5.59 = £167.70 [60]
Bolt cutters 600 mm (Homebase) x 5 @ £26.99 x 5 = £134.95 [61]
Braille inscribed models of Magic City Sign (China) x 25 @£6 = £150 [62] 5000 A6 flyers (Mission Print) = £100 [63]
Amphetamines (Bill) x 500 @ £10 a gram = £5000 [64]
Counseling sessions x 5 @ £20 an hour = £100 [65]
Long rope = £200
Whips = £150 [66]
Bamboo scaffolding = £800 [67]
White Rabbits x 10 @ £5 = £50 [68]
Plastic doll of Debbie McGee x 1 @ £20 [69]
Total = £6872.65
Support in Kind:
Gypsies - 3000 hours @ £12 [70] an hour = £36,000 [71]
Art Students 4088000 hours @ 5.55 an hour = £22,484000 [72] [73]
Magicians 300 hours @ £8 = £2400 [74]
Grand Union whip-round = £3.45 [75] = £22,522403